


You've Got A Few Tricks Of Your Own

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Kinks, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-17
Updated: 2012-07-30
Packaged: 2018-09-03 14:32:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8717611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: A prompt I found: "Jensen is completely in love with his best friend Jared. Jared is straight and NOT in love with Jensen. One-sided feelings only. He loves Jensen as a friend, but not 'like that'. He does know that Jensen is gay, but not how he feels about Jared. For whatever reason, Jared is all worked up and horny one day, and there are no girls available...but Jensen is around. He's gay, and he likes guys, so he could do Jared a favor as a friend, right? Jensen knows it's kind of pathetic, but he's willing to take what he can...even if Jared thinks he's only doing it as a friend. Sex happens. If full on sex, bottom!Jensen only please. If not it doesn't matter. Blowjob, or whatever, just Jensen desperate to draw it out as long as possible, because he knows it's just a one time thing."





	1. You've Got A Few Tricks Of Your Own

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

Feelings. Emotions. They make the world go round. Love. Hatred. Anger. Selfishness. Happiness. Sadness. It all comes together and without it the world would just be plain old boring. Chaos would ensue if everything was just perfect.

 

But one-sided feelings? Those he could do without. Because they fucking suck. Big time. 

 

See, Jensen could have anyone. And that's not him being cocky. Okay. Maybe he should have worded that different. He should have said that he has no trouble going out, meeting new people and getting dates. You know? But he decided to go ahead and fall for his tall, goofy, handsome and completely straight best friend. In fact said best friend is so straight that he would make a piece of plywood look kind of curvy. And you can't get any straighter than a piece of plywood. Well, actually, yeah, you can. He calls it Jared.

 

Jared and himself have been best friends since birth. Literally. They were born on the same day, about nine hours apart, in the same hospital, and laid next to each other in the nursery. It was fate even back then. But when one of them grows up to be the straight high school jock and the other one grows up to be the gay high school kid who ends up giving Jimmy Novak a blow job under the bleachers because he's so far in the closet that Narnia's knocking, well, problems start arising.

 

Their parents all lived in the same neighborhood and Jared's mom babysat for Jensen's parents when they were little. Jensen grew up with Jared looming over him. Literally. The guy turned into a giant, hit a growth spurt. Jared was there when Jensen got into a fight in the fourth grade. The kid knocked Jensen down when they were playing outside for recess and Jared pushed the kid backwards over the swing. In the first three weeks of starting high school Jared got suspended because he kicked some kid's ass after they called Jensen a 'faggot'. That was probably the exact moment Jensen realized just how fucked he was.

 

And of course Jared doesn't know that Jensen likes him. He wouldn't. He's just..too damn friendly. He doesn't think twice about wrapping Jensen up in a hug or slapping Jensen on the ass after a 'good game' of whatever. It's who Jared is.

 

That just makes it that much harder.

* * *

"I have to admit your ass looks great in those jeans."

 

Jensen looks up in the mirror and sees Jared leaning against the doorway. This is just Jared being Jared, but it doesn't stop Jensen from letting it get to his head. His stomach lets loose a couple butterflies.

 

"You think?" Jensen replies, checking his own ass out in the mirror.

 

Jared laughs. "Nice. How'd your little date thing go with Chris last night? You guys go out or stay here after I left?"

 

Jensen shrugs his shoulders. "I got a blow job. Obviously we stayed home." 

 

One-sided feelings? Remember those? Yeah. They can go fuck themselves. Hard. If Jensen didn't go out once in a while, things would start looking kind of peculiar. He has to date just to keep his best friend in the dark. Do you know how hard it is to have to deal with this kind of stuff for so long? Jensen's twenty-nine. He was thirteen when he started high school. That's sixteen years. Sixteen stupid, long years.

 

And that's not to say he doesn't like the aforementioned Chris. Because he kind of does. Chris is fun. Athletic. Smart. Hot. Jensen's know him for a bit now. Maybe a year. But they just recently started 'talking, talking'. And they weren't really even friends before, just ran with the same crowd. So no loss there if it goes south. He just doesn't feel...anything for Chris. Not the way he feels for Jared, anyway. Jared's completely raised the bar for Jensen's future boyfriends. Which kind of adds the cherry to the top of his fucked up sundae.

 

"Chris does look like he'd know a thing or two."

 

"And he does."

 

Jared's quiet for a minute. "Bet you'd know a few tricks."

 

What? Jensen spins around. Jared's grinning. "What?"

 

"Sorry, man. Just messing with ya."

 

"You didn't get any last night."

 

Jared's face automatically morphs into a scowl. "Is it that obvious?"

 

Jensen just nods his head and Jared launches into his story.

 

"Dude! This girl was seriously throwing me some slutty vibes. And I'm knocking drink after drink in her. And then at the last second she goes, 'Jerry, I had such a great time' and leaves. And you want to know something, Jensen?"

 

Jensen cocks an eyebrow at him. "Your name isn't Jerry?"

 

Jared throws his arms out. "Exactly! So I came home hard as all hell and just passed the fuck out. That shine job I gave myself in the shower was not how I thought I'd start my morning. I figured I'd start it by rolling over and forgetting just who it was that I picked up last night."

 

Jensen rolls his eyes. "You're a pig."

 

"And you love it. But seriously. I'm just agitated this morning. You have any plans today?"

 

Jensen sits on the edge of his bed. "Nope. You?"

 

Jared shakes his head. "No. Wanna have a girls day?"

 

How can someone not fall in love with...that?

* * *

"You can seriously out shop the best of them."

 

Jensen looks down at his four bags and back up at Jared. "Jealous much?"

 

"Never that, dude."

 

Jensen flops down on the couch. He feels the other side dip a few seconds later.

 

"I'm seriously so damn horny. It sucks getting blue-balled. I've been jumpy all day."

 

Jensen nods his head. "The old lady in that store earlier that kept giving you dirty looks every time you grabbed your dick like it went on vacation and didn't bother to tell you was a good indicator."

 

"She wanted some. That's all. Don't let the grey hair and canes fool you."

 

Jensen turns on a movie and settles back against the couch. It feels so good after walking around all day.

* * *

Want to know how that movie went? Jensen does, too. All he heard was Jared complaining throughout the whole thing. There was a couple sex scenes so Jensen had to hear about how Jared really hated getting blue-balled. Again. And again.

 

Jared was getting ready to say something again but Jensen cuts him off. "Dude. If I let you fuck me or just gave you a blow job, would you shut the hell up?"

 

Jensen didn't mean to say it, he really didn't, but he'd had enough of Jared bitching. He looks over at Jared. Jared has one arm over the back of the couch and his right leg propped on top of his left. His head is cocked to the side.

 

"What?"

 

Jensen shakes his head. "Forget it. I didn't mean to say that." It slipped.

 

Jared leans forward. "You didn't mean to say that?"

 

"No. Now drop it."

 

There's a pregnant pause. Jensen doesn't like it. He gets ready to stand up when Jared reaches a hand over and stops him.

 

"Don't. Stay."

 

Jensen settles back against the couch but scoots as far over as he can.

 

"Wow. Now you're going to be weird about it?"

 

"You haven't said anything," Jensen says as he stares down at the small logo on his basketball shorts.

 

"Well, people tend not to say anything if their brain is working over time."

 

Jensen groans. "Why are you thinking about this? That's making it so much worse."

 

"I want you to."

 

"Want me to what?"

 

"Wrap those lips around my cock." And bombs away.

 

Silence. It's quiet. Dead quiet. Jensen just heard a fly buzzing around upstairs it's that quiet. He doesn't even know what to say. What would anyone say?

 

"Just as two buddies who need a quick fix. But a little more than that. Cus, you know, we're best friends and all. You offered and now I'm fucking horny."

 

Just as two buddies, of course. But Jensen knows it wouldn't be anything more than that. Ever. He thinks for a minute. Does he really do it? Does he complicate the hell out of thirteen years worth of sorting through his fucked up feelings for something that probably won't happen again anytime soon?

 

He's not stupid. Or...he doesn't know.

 

He stands and Jared immediately looks up, frantic. "Jen, no, don't go. I'm sorry. I'm just being a douche. All the blood isn't where it should be right now."

 

Jensen turns and kneels in front of Jared. "Same here. Take your jeans off."

* * *

You know that expression 'fish out of water'? That's about the only thing Jensen could think to describe Jared at the moment. It's a few seconds before Jared reacts. He scrambles to get his jeans down and around his ankles. Jensen reaches out to pull at the waistband of Jared's boxers. Jared lifts his hips up slightly and Jensen slides them down with no problem. 

 

And there it is. The thing Jensen has guilty pleasured and fantasized about a time or two before. And it's...big. Long. And thick. How the fuck can everything on Jared be perfect? The head is leaking a little precum. It's a deep shade of red, maybe slightly purple. Jensen licks the small bead off and Jared jerks.

 

"You really are fucking horny."

 

Jared laughs. "Told you, dude."

 

Jensen looks down at it one more time before looking up at Jared. "Doing this is okay, right? It won't get awkward or anything?"

 

"Only if we let it. Are we going to?"

 

That was a question Jensen was having an internal war on. He probably would let it get awkward, but he'd deal with it. He wouldn't let Jared know anything was wrong. He's been doing a good job of it so far.

 

"No," he finally says and leans down to start the blow job that Jensen will never forget...and he's not even receiving it.

 

Jensen takes all of Jared in one go and then pulls off. He grasps Jared's cock by the base and slowly starts stroking him. Jared groans.

 

"Fuck, Jen. That's for foreplay. I'm already hard as hell, dude."

 

Jensen grins. As much as he wants to stop all of this and just get far, far away from it all, he doesn't want this to end. Not yet. He has Jared and he's not ready to give him up.

 

Jensen starts licking and nipping the insides of Jared's thighs. He brushes over Jared's balls with his lips and Jared groans. Jensen takes them into his mouth and sucks on them lightly. He looks up in time to see Jared throw his head back against the couch.

 

"Just suck me of-nughh..."

 

Jensen wraps his lips around the head of Jared's cock and swirls his tongue over the tip. 

 

"Jen. I'm seriously not going to last much longer."

 

Jensen goes back down on him, all the way to the base. He feels Jared's hips thrust up slightly. He wants this to go on forever, but he also knows Jared. Jensen flattens his tongue along the underside of Jared's cock and starts bobbing his head up and down, hollowing out his cheeks.

 

"Remember how I said you'd probably have a few tricks of your own?"

 

Jensen hums around Jared's cock and Jared's hips thrust up again.

 

"You definitely do. Guh. I'm close. Fuck. Already there. So close, Jen."

 

A million things start running through Jensen's head when it hits him that Jared's about to cum. In his mouth. Should he really be doing this? Are things just going to go downhill from here? If they do, will it get to a point where they end up ruining twenty-nine years of friendship and Jensen has to move away? Will things seriously get awkward? Is he sure that Jared doesn't know Jensen likes him? Would Jared be selfish and ignorant enough that he'd let Jensen do this knowing Jensen liked him?

 

"Jensen. I'm coming, I'm com..." 

 

Jensen has a couple seconds warning before he feels Jared shoot warm, ropey strands of pearly liquid into his mouth. Jensen slides off Jared's cock with an obscene wet noise and swallows his load. Jared's still laying back against the couch. Jensen sees his chest rising and falling quickly. 

 

"Jesus Christ, Jensen." Jared sits back up. "You are fucking awesome at that."

 

Jensen sits back on his haunches and it hits him. He just gave Jared, his best friend, his secret love, a blow job. He just swallowed Jared's load. 

 

Was it stupid? He's still not sure. He'll wake up tomorrow and probably freak the hell out. Actually, he knows he will. But still. On the outside, Jensen was just helping a friend out. And best friends do that, right? He'll just have to deal with everything else that comes along.

 

Besides, he has to admit, deep down it was really sort of worth it.....in a sick, twisted kind of way.


	2. Part 2: Finding Yourself In A Weird Spot

Jared Padalecki, in his own words, was an awesome ass person. A true Texan boy. He was raised with manners, played well at sports, had no problems with the ladies and loved everyone else and thing in between. He worshipped the ground his mama walked on and kept a shovel just especially for the guys his sister dated. He greeted people with a huge smile, the same one every time. He treated everyone like they could have been family. He kept himself and everyone and thing around him comfortable. It was just part of his charm. He knew it.

* * *

The one thing that was pretty unstable in his life? Relationships. He never managed to find the right girl. Blondes. Brunettes. Redheads. Skinny ones. Fat ones (don't knock it until you try it). Tall ones. Short ones. They've all walked through his front door at some point or another. He doesn't know what it is. Being tied down is just not his thing. 

 

The one thing that was pretty stable in his life, though? His best friend, Jensen. Jensen and he met when they were born. Literally. They're two halves of a whole. Salt and pepper. Spaghetti and meatballs. You get it? They're also complete opposites. For starters? He was straight and Jensen was gay. And guess what? Jared was one hundred percent okay with that. He was actually pretty involved in Jensen's sex life. Not, you know, like that, though, because Jared doesn't swing that way at all, but he does make sure to double check any guys that walk through the door for Jensen. He even went to the restaurant Jensen and his date were at one time and sat in a booth a few tables down from them just because Jensen had a 'bad feeling'. He was a great cheerleader from the sides.

* * *

Which was why he found himself in a weird spot.

 

First off he just had to make some things clear. He was straight. A hundred and ten percent straight. But he was not one of them homophobic assholes, okay? Hello, he lived with Jensen. He just didn't go for guys. It didn't do anything for him. He made that perfectly clear to Jensen. 

 

See, Jared was your average, every day male. Sex was pretty much, kind of always right there on his mind. Even when he didn't mean for it to be. And it was on one particular night that it was definitely right there. He'd been dancing and loving on this girl all night at this bar. And then out of nowhere she said, 'Jerry, I had such a great time'. Jared distinctly remembered telling her that his name was Jared, not Jerry, at least twice. Jared went home pretty much at full mast that night. He was already too tired and a little buzzed when he got home so he just passed out. Needless to say the next morning he was more than a little horny and a lot more irritated. He just wanted to get laid. Plain and simple. 

 

It wasn't his fault, he really doesn't think it was, but Jensen just had to go and open his mouth. And that mouth. God. Jensen had brought it up and since Jared was already horny as hell, the idea was floating around up there in his thick skull.

 

'Dude. If I let you fuck me or just gave you a blow job, would you shut the hell up?' And, okay. So Jared had been bitching all day that he was horny. Sue him. Jensen really didn't have to go and plant the idea like that.

* * *

It was the best damn blowjob he ever received. And he wasn't saying that just because Jensen was his best friend. He was saying that because Jensen definitely knew how to use what the good Lord gave him. 

 

What surprised Jared more than not knowing this about Jensen and having known him for so long was the fact that Jared actually let it happen. Would he have taken the former of the two options and fucked Jensen? Just to get off? Hell no. And not because he really wasn't gay and thought that sticking his dick in some guys ass was the most disgusting thing ever or something. It wasn't that at all. So don't hate him. It's just more of the fact that things would definitely go sour between the two of them. And it would have because friends with benefits never works out. Never. Jared doesn't care who you are. You could protest and deny it all you wanted. But he guaranteed that at least one partner has those 'feelings'. The ones where they aren't sure exactly what they're feeling. Or the ones where, when you see your partner out with another person, you feel funny. Funny being jealous. Those stupid feelings. One person would be feeling those feelings. Guaranteed. And he refused to go down that road with Jensen.

 

And okay. So it was a little about how the thought of sticking his dick in any guys ass kind of threw him off. It didn't hold no appeal. But he was seriously not an asshole about it. There was just something about the soft, warm, tight, pink walls of a woman that drove Jared crazy.

* * *

But apparently taking the blow job from Jensen was still a bad decision, too. 

 

Jared treated the whole thing like it was nothing after it happened. Not nothing in the way that he treated Jensen like a one night stand girl or something. But nothing in the way that he went about his every day life and treated Jensen like the best friend he'd been the past twenty something years.

 

But something was different. Jared had that ability to sense when something was wrong around him. And there was something wrong. Now he was wondering if he didn't see some kind of warning signs that he should have seen before, something that should have been completely obvious. 

 

Jensen was acting weird. It had only been a couple weeks since the incident but something was off. Jensen would still play videogames with him and stuff but he was...distant. Distant was a good way of putting it. And when you're friends for so long, anyone can notice things like that. Jared definitely noticed. Jensen was definitely holding something back from him.

 

The only thing? Jared didn't know what kind of warning signs he should have looked for. He didn't know what the hell was wrong with Jensen now. Jared was usually pretty good at reading people. It was just a blow job, wasn't it? Jensen was the one who asked if it was okay, if things would get awkward. Jared thought that meant things would be peachy.

 

Why was Jensen being like this now, then? Jared had no idea what was going on and what he should do about it. He just wanted all of his best friend back. And to possibly take back the past two weeks of his life and not go down the most horny path when that time came to choose between getting off or keeping his best friend.


	3. Part 3: Sometimes People Just Snap

"We said we weren't going to let it get awkward."

 

Jensen flinches as he hears Jared approaching. He doesn't bother to look up, though.

 

"What are you talking about?"

 

He hears Jared chuckle dryly. "Oh, that's rich, Jen."

 

"Don't know what you're talking about. Nothing's wrong."

 

And okay. There kind of really is something wrong. Jensen let it get awkward. He didn't mean to, he really didn't, but he couldn't help it. All he can think of was how Jared tasted, of how Jared sort of just fit in his mouth. Fuck, of how Jared smelled. Three weeks had gone by now and it was just driving Jensen crazy.

 

"What the fuck, Jensen?" Jensen looks up in time to see Jared storm out of the room.

 

What the hell was he suppose to do? He couldn't just come right out and say, 'You know what, Jared? I gave you that blow job because I love you and just wanted to know how it'd feel being with you like that. That's why I'm acting like this.' It would ruin everything. Every fucking thing. Jensen cared too much about Jared to let something like this, something he knew he could never change, come in between their friendship. He just needs some time to figure some things out is all. And for Jared to leave it alone for a bit.

* * *

Jensen is sitting down watching Grey's Anatomy about an hour later when Jared flings the front door open. He didn't even know Jared had left at all. Jensen's eyes flit over to Jared for two whole seconds before they look back at the T.V. screen. 

 

"I don't get you."

 

What? He looks up at Jared, who was still standing by the front door. He was sweaty. And pissed. Jensen didn't see that before. But he didn't really look all that much, either.

 

"Excuse me?"

 

"I don't get you, Jensen!"

 

"What don't you get?"

 

Jared breathes in and out for a few seconds. "You. Everything about you. I just. Gah! What did I do wrong?"

 

Awesome. Great. Wonderful. They were doing this again. Why can't Jared just drop it? Seriously. Jensen tears his gaze away from Jared and looks back at McSteamy on the screen. There's a clicking noise and suddenly the screen is dark. Jensen looks behind him to find Jared standing there with a smug grin on his face and the remote control in his hand. So, alright. Jensen was already sitting down at the time and didn't feel like getting up again just to grab the remote. Sue him. He groans and stands up.

 

"Jare, turn it back on, please."

 

"Not until you talk to me! I want to know what happened with us!"

 

With us? Jensen feels his heart turn heavy. "There's not an us? God, Jared!" That? That was definitely Jensen snapping. "There's nothing wrong, okay? I just want you to quit bothering me. Seriously. You always do that! You sit there and...and...and pick at things until they need to be dealt with. Not everyone works like you do!"

 

"What the fuck? I want to know what the hell is wrong with you and suddenly I'm the bad guy or something?"

 

Soooo, Jensen is sort of angry now. Sixteen years and the past three weeks of letting everything just...fester will do that to you, apparently. "Jared, really? Jesus Christ. You've been bugging me for damn near three weeks now. Just drop it, okay? Just fucking drop it! Go out and get laid or something, shit!"

 

Jensen can see the moment when Jared's hazel eyes harden. "Screw you, Jensen. I'm just trying to see what the hell is wrong with my best friend, but you know what? Never mind. You don't give a shit, I don't give a shit."

 

"Great. Will you turn the T.V. back on?"

 

The remote hitting the wall and breaking into a few pieces is the only response Jensen gets.

* * *

Jensen can cook. He can cook really, really well, in fact. So guess what he's doing? He's cooking. Because great food is the way to any man's heart. Straight or gay. Or it's been his experience, anyway. He pulls the meal out of the oven just as the front door opens and closes. A lot more softly this time, Jensen notices. He pulls two plates out and sets them on the cherry wood table top. Jared walks into the kitchen and sets a bag down on the table.

 

"Here. Got another remote." Curt and to the point.

 

And Jensen is sorry. He's so sorry. He had no business acting the way he did. Sixteen years of letting something build up is no excuse to act that way towards a best friend. It really isn't.

 

"I, uh..."

 

"Already ate," is the response Jensen gets as he watches Jared walk down the hallway to his room.

 

That? That was Jensen's heart bursting into itty bitty pieces. Jared never refuses food. Never. Jensen takes the pan of homemade lasagna and tosses it, pan and all, into the garbage can. He picks the plates up and puts them in the strainer, wiping a couple stray tears as he does.

* * *

Just a few more steps, a few more steps, Jensen thinks to himself. In Jensen's reality he didn't owe Jared an apology, Jared is the one who should be down on his knees begging for an apology, but Jared doesn't know anything. He doesn't have a single clue as to why Jensen is being this way. And Jensen is a hundred percent sure that Jared wouldn't have done something like that to him if he had known. So in everyone else's reality and in order to save their friendship, Jensen is being the bigger person. Now all he has to do is just walk the last few...

 

"How long do you plan on standing outside my door?"

 

Jensen stills. Okay. So...that's not how he saw this going at first. He walks the last few steps and peers around Jared's bedroom door. Jared's sitting on the edge of his bed with his PSP in his hand, staring over at Jensen, sharp hazel eyes locked onto remorseful green ones.

 

"Well?"

 

Jensen swallows past the sudden lump in his throat and stands directly in the doorway now. "Not that long?"

 

"Great. Did you need something?"

 

"Uhm. Yeah. I just." Out with it, Jensen. "Jare, I'm sorry."

 

Jared blinks and sets his game down. "For what?"

 

Jensen lets his mouth part on a confused note. "Weren't you there for all of our fights today?"

 

A grin tugs at the corner of Jared's mouth but he keeps it intact. His eyes soften once more. "Don't know what you're talking about."

 

"Oh, that's rich, Jared." Jensen's impersonation doesn't quite measure up to Jared's, but it does one better. It makes him smile finally. Jensen feels his shoulders relax almost immediately. He stays in the doorway still, though.

 

"What's been up though, man?"

 

If this were a normal situation, Jensen would be baring his soul and professing his love for Jared, but this is not a simple matter. So he just shrugs his shoulder.

 

"Nothing. Just some stuff I've been dealing with."

 

"You wanna talk about it?" Of course he does.

 

Jensen sighs. "Nah. Some, you know, family stuff." It wasn't too much of a lie. Jared's sort of family to him, right? Right?

 

"Well, alright. Are you okay, though?" The sincerity and concern in Jared's eyes and voice is enough to almost make Jensen bare his soul yet. 

 

"I'm alright, dude."

 

Jared nods his head. "I'm sorry, too, you know. For...like, everything. I didn't have to be such a guy about the whole thing." Jensen knew what 'thing' he was referring to. "And for not giving you your space when you asked. I should have just left you alone. You know how I am, though, man."

 

Jensen rolls his eyes. "Shut up. That excuse is going to get old pretty soon." Jared just grins up at him.

 

And look? Everything's back to normal. You know, for the most part.

 

"And we're okay, Jen? With everything?"

 

"Yeah, Jare, we're good."

 

"Good," Jared pats his stomach. "because I'm hungry."

 

Jensen grimaces. This day just went from not so good to 'I'm packing my bags and getting the hell out now'.

 

"What was that face for?"

 

Jensen collects himself and flashes Jared a huge, all teeth smile. Time to start kissing ass again. Because if Jensen has learned anything at all from knowing Jared, it's that you never, ever throw out a Sasquatch's dinner.


	4. Part 4: Mass Confusion

Jared wakes up at 7:23 A.M. He puts on a pair of basketball shorts, grabs a hoodie, snatches his iPod off the computer desk and hits the pavement. Hard. He's dedicated, don't judge. Staying fit is his way of life.

 

He comes back to an empty house. And that bothers him but makes him relieved at the same time. He needs time alone to think. He shouldn't even need to be thinking about anything but that's just his luck. 

 

He plops down in a kitchen chair and leans back, thoughts already going to Jensen. Jared doesn't get it. He's not gay. Really. He's known Jensen for how long now? If he was going to somehow go gay, he would have by now. But it's just...Jensen really does know how to use what the good Lord gave him. No harm there. Except Jared can't stop thinking about it now. He went from seeing Jensen as his best friend to seeing Jensen as his best friend, the guy who gives really great blow jobs. And that's just fucking weird. What straight guy sits there and thinks about the blow job his gay buddy gave him? It could probably be because he hasn't gotten laid in a fucking month. But the last time he let his dick do all the talking and thinking, it almost cost him a friendship a couple of weeks ago. By the way, that was the longest three weeks of his fucking life. Three weeks of Jensen not talking to him and flat out ignoring him some days? Not worth a damn blow job. He's not that much of a pig. It still just doesn't help with the fact that he does sit there and think about it. 

 

He doesn't know what to do. He's confused as all hell. He does the next best thing and calls up Chad.

* * *

Jared stares around at the endless ocean of bodies. There's alcohol flowing through his system. So many women are scattered all over the dance floor. Vagina's of all shapes and sizes writhing and gyrating everywhere; life is great right now. He stares over at Chad, who probably has a boner poking into the back of the unsuspecting lady he's dancing with. She has no idea what she's in for if she leaves with him. Jared glances over at Mike, who has a gorgeous redhead clinging to every part of his body. His eyes finally land on Jensen. Jensen. His best fucking friend. Jared watches him. Watches the way his hips sway and twist, fitting perfectly in with the body behind him. Watches the way his fingers slightly curl themselves over the fingers of the other guy. Watches the way his lips form into a soft 'O' and then he'll bite down on his bottom lip with his top teeth. Life is seriously great.

 

He turns back to the bar and catches the bartenders attention with a little head nod. More liquor, a Watermelon Crawl. It's a girly drink, he knows that, but he's comfortable enough to order it. He places his lips around the straw and gets ready to take a sip of it and...

 

"Haven't you had enough to drink?"

 

Chad. Jared groans and takes a long sip. "No. I can still stand upright so I'm nowhere near my limit yet."

 

Chad laughs and slaps him on the back. "Jared, Jared, Jared. Anything catch your eye yet? We're gonna be leaving soon, dude."

 

Jared thinks about that busty brunette that kept giving him that 'I could possibly be married or have a boyfriend, but tonight I don't' look all night. She was cute. Gorgeous, actually. Slim waist, ass he could grab onto and legs that went on for days. Brown eyes that held endless promises. A mouth that would probably stretch just perfectly around his... Brown eyes melted and swirled around until green ones came back into focus and the brown hair he was imagining grabbing handfuls of he suddenly couldn't get a good hold of and there was blonde spikes sitting there and... The image was gone as soon as it had flashed behind his eyes and the girl comes back into focus once more. He takes another sip and looks at Chad.

 

"Uh, well?"

 

Jared shakes his head. "No." 

 

"You haven't gotten laid in damn near a month and a half."

 

Jared spins in his chair so his whole body is facing Chad now. "How the hell do you know that?"

 

Chad laughs. Just laughs, like it's so damn hilarious. "You haven't gone out that much lately and the two times that you did, you went home empty-handed then, too. And it's not like you had a supply of ass at home. I mean, unless you're fucking your gay roommate and forgot to tell me."

 

Jared scans the dance floor, eyes immediately landing on Jensen. He turns back to Chad. "Are you really that stupid? I'm not queer, dude."

 

Chad just laughs and orders another drink, melting away into the crowd shortly after. Jared finishes off his drink and follows suit.

* * *

"Jare. Dude. C'mon."

 

He's aware of someone trying to move him but there's so much...something in his body right now and he just wants to lay here. On the floor. In the hallway, by the door. Where he dropped after coming home. It's comfortable. Who cares? It's his house and he can lay wherever.

 

"Jared. Seriously. Come the hell on, man."

 

Jared groans and rolls over. Whatever. Pushing off from the ceramic floor, he manages to stand up. He whirls around and sees Jensen standing there staring at him with curious eyes. 

 

"What?"

 

Jensen just grins and shakes his head. "You're completely shit faced. Go lay down, dude."

 

And Jared does. Or he gets as far as the couch, anyway. Close enough.

* * *

Something magical happens. Jared's out at the bar with Chad and Mike, throwing back beer after beer, when he spots that busty brunette. The same one from a couple weeks ago. She gives Jared that same smile and it's all over. Jared feels his dick start to harden. He grins at her and walks off toward the restrooms. Jared has to wait all of about two minutes before the brunette is following him. 

 

It only takes about ten minutes after that before he has her bent over a pile of wooden crates out back behind the bar. It's not his best sexual feat, and it's surely not the classiest, but he just needs to get laid. He's wound up so tight lately it almost hurts. 

 

He looks down and watches as he slides in and out of her and his head cocks to the side because he swears this girl's vagina just turned into a set of lips, so to speak, that he's seen before. And isn't that just the most fucked up picture. They're a deep pink and slightly chapped and just...perfect. Now suddenly stupid fucking Jensen is sitting on the ground in the alley giving him the best fucking blow job of his life, again, and Jared's coming down his throat with a choked off cry. He thrusts a few more times, riding out his orgasm, and when he looks back down again, the girl is there once more. 

 

He pulls out and tosses the used condom into the dumpster.

 

"I've wanted that since I seen you at that club."

 

Jared looks up and sees the girl buttoning her jeans. "Yeah?"

 

She smiles. It's so pretty. "Mhmm. I'm Gen," she says as she extends her hand.

 

Jared wraps his own around it and squeezes gently. "Jared." Okay. Wait. "Your name is Gen?"

 

She looks at him, brows turned down slightly in confusion. "Uhm, yes?"

 

And isn't that just great. As if Jared wasn't completely fucked up already for imagining Jensen on his knees, sucking his dick, let's add a 'I fucked Gen' situation into the matter. Oh, yeah, no. That won't mess with him at all.

 

He doesn't get it. He's not gay, he can't stress that enough, but he just can't stop thinking about how Jensen's mouth felt. Here's a guy that he's known his whole life, literally, a guy that he would kill anyone, do anything for in a heart beat. And that's no different than his baby sister or something. But then again he didn't let his baby sister give him a blow job. So. 

 

He's just confused. There's nothing better than that to sum it all up.


	5. Part 5: Mass Confusion On A New Scale

It's not fair. Life isn't fair. Jensen's gay, Jared's straight. That's not what isn't fair, although if things were a bit different, it'd certainly help. No. What's not fair is the fact that stupid Jared Padalecki is currently outside washing his car. Without a shirt. And he's wearing jeans that sit just snug and low enough on his hips. There's water and soapy suds everywhere. And just...Jensen's hard. 

 

Suddenly, Jared lifts his head up and makes eye contact with Jensen, who was standing kind of creepy like in the bay window right there. With his damn boner. Smooth. Jared smirks and motions for him to come outside. Jensen does so only after grinding the heel of his hand down against his dick and letting out a body shuddering groan. Not in front of the window, mind you.

 

Jensen walks through the front door and hesitates. He's freaking hard. That's embarrassing like no other. He thinks about darting back inside when he hears his name being called and all thoughts of escaping fly right out the window.

 

"If you're gonna stand there and creep on me from the window, you can at least help me then."

 

Jensen feels the heat rise in his cheeks. So Jared seen him. Awesome. He walks over to the bucket of slightly warm water and grabs the extra rag. He slides it across the hood of Jared's 2006 Dodge Charger and feels himself harden a little more. Like, really? All he did was swipe a wash cloth across the hood. But Jared is standing right freaking there. Half naked. He drops the rag back into the bucket and stands back up right.

 

"Everything okay, man?"

 

"Yeah, I'm good," Jensen says as he looks up at Jared. 

 

Jared snorts. "Okay."

 

"What?"

 

"What, what?"

 

"Why'd you snort?"

 

"Well, you're acting kinda weird, so I don't believe you. But whatever."

 

Jensen's kind of irritated now. "What do you mean you don't believe me?"

 

"I mean," and Jared's voice just drops all the way down into 'fuck me now' land, "you got fucking hard from watching me out here."

 

And cut, that's a wrap. He glances down at the wet concrete as a pair of naked feet pad across it and come into view. 

 

He shakes his head. "What are you doing, Jared?"

 

"I think it's time we just stop beating around the bush here, don't you? I wanna fuck you right up against my car. Fuck you so hard, so good, you won't walk right for a week."

 

Jensen feels a pair of rough, calloused, yet smooth hands grab him around his arms and yank him forward, his knees colliding with the shiny black metal of Jared's car. Jensen goes to protest but is instead hit with another push and is now bent over the front of the car. A hand is grabbing the back of his neck and gently smashing his face against the sleek metal top a couple seconds later. His cheek slides and catches a little from the water against the hood. He plants his hands on the hood and pushes back.

 

"Jensen?" Jensen snaps up and looks at Jared. Jared's looking right at him but he still says "Jensen?" once more.

 

Jensen shakes his head and suddenly he's staring down into the bucket again. Or. For the first time. It was just a little daydream. What the freaking fuck? A product of being horny and his imagination.

 

"Jensen?"

 

Jensen whips his head up and finds Jared staring at him with a confused look. "Uh, yeah, what?"

 

Jared just shakes his head and laughs. "You totally spaced out for a few minutes there, man."

 

Spaced out. Yeah, let's go with that.

* * *

Jensen goes out that night, sans Jared, to a down home feeling type of bar. Not a club; it's not exactly that sort of night just yet. But it has been a rough couple months. Who knew giving a blow job to your straight best friend who you're sort of in love with would be such a big deal?

 

Jensen pushes away from the bar counter when a country song comes on that he recognizes and he walks over to where a few people are just randomly dancing. A middle aged lady smiles warmly at him and he grins. He loves nights like this. No feelings, no reason for his dick to twitch. Nobody really expecting anything except a great night out. No hidden motives. He's just enjoying himself and letting loose. He grabs the lady's hand and spins her around, tilting her side to side in time with the music. He dances one more song with her before his night comes crashing down.

* * *

"Fuck. I just. You're fucking awesome with your mouth-oh! God."

 

Jensen lets his head fall back against the headboard. Okay. He totally wanted a drama free night with no feelings involved, but the guy just looked so damn tempting and Jensen sort of needed this. He moans and grabs a handful of hair, yanking slightly. The guy hums around him and Jensen thrusts into his mouth. It's great. And also a little...familiar? He lifts his head up and stares down at the back of the guy's head. The guy. Jensen is pretty sure his name is Alex. Have a little respect, Jen, yeah? He's feeling a slight case of deja vu. He's had his fair share of watching guys go down on him but this one kind of just...sticks out. The guy, Alex, starts messing with his little guys down there and Jensen's head falls back against the headboard again. And that's when it hits him. 

 

Jensen remembers watching a pair of hazel eyes from the same position Alex is in and watching the owners head encasing said hazel eyes falling back against the headboard. Remembering what Jared looked like must have hit a good spot because now Jensen's feeling his orgasm creep up on him. It's seeping into his system, getting ready to shoot out through his dick. Alex hums once more and Jensen is shooting his load into wet heat. 

 

Jensen cuts off the cry threatening to spill over because one) he just came to the image of Jared floating around in his head and two) Jared isn't that far from him, seeing as how Jensen brought his little date back home and Jared's just in the next room. 

 

Hello awkwardness. 

 

Jensen gets Alex ushered out of the house with a phone number, apologies and a promise to actually call. Jensen felt bad. He isn't sure if he'll really call. A pair of puppy dog eyes that Jensen realized at that moment only one person could really pull off was the only response he got watching Alex walk down the sidewalk to his car. Jensen turns back around and tries, unsuccessfully, to get a decent nights sleep.

* * *

"Hey, Jare. Could you pass me a bowl? I need my Cinnamon Toast Crunch, man." A few seconds pass by and no movements are made. Jensen glances up and sees Jared standing by the sink. "Uh, Jare?"

 

A hand is flying out and a glass bowl is clattering against the wood table top a little too hard for Jensen's liking before he can comprehend anything. He doesn't know what to say. Is Jared pissed? Jensen looks up at him and judging from the way his shoulders are set and his stance, Jensen is pretty sure Jared is fuming. What the hell did he miss?

 

"You okay, man?"

 

Jared spins around and stands there glaring at Jensen. What the hell did he do? Jared stalks out of the room before Jensen can form a single thought. Jensen is just getting ready to pour a bowl of cereal when Jared rushes back into the room.

 

"Did he use protection?"

 

And okay. Not the words he thought would be coming out of Jared's mouth. You know, maybe Jensen left a DVD out of its case again. Or he didn't lock the doors. Or Jared finally noticed that Jensen was slowly mixing his dirty clothes in with Jared's so Jensen didn't have to do as much laundry. Something. But not that. It leaves him stunned for a couple seconds. 

 

"What?" Because really, what else does he say?

 

"When you let that guy fuck you, did he use protection?"

 

What guy? Alex? "Uh, I didn't have sex?" What is it to him?

 

"Bullshit! I heard you last night, Jensen!"

 

Awkward. And really? Jared's pissed about this?

 

"Well, way to be not creepy or anything." Jensen tries to go for sarcasm but it clearly fails as he hears two loud thwacks on the table.

 

"God, Jensen! Did he use protection or not?"

 

What the hell? "I didn't fuck him, Jare! He went down on me, but that was it!" Oo, Jensen is starting to yell. He takes a deep breath and calms himself. "Jesus, Jared. What's wrong with you?"

 

Jared stands there for a few seconds, the anger visibly dissipating away from him, and then he just walks off into the living room without a word. And Jensen is...Jensen does not know. What the hell was that? What the hell was Jared's problem?

 

Jensen frowns at nothing in particular and finishes fixing his breakfast. He still needs his Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

 

\- - - - - - - - - -

 

Jared can't believe it. Jensen went out without him, not a big deal, but now Jensen's right next door getting fucked from the sounds of it. Or somebody is, anyway. Jared couldn't see the kid all that well so he's not exactly sure who it is. And he wasn't creeping, thank you very much. He just had to, you know, pee. You can get infections or something down there if you hold it in for too long. True story. He read it on the internet once. And he definitely did not peek into Jensen's bedroom on the way back.

 

Jared goes back into his room and he's hit with confusion again. And something else. Something new. It's sort of...fierce, takes him by surprise. He wants to get up and drag that kid out by his arm, leg, neck, whatever he can get a hold of first. Jared doesn't know why. He doesn't get it. His thoughts are interrupted by a soft thud against the wall. That fierceness comes back times ten and Jared fights the urge to get up. 

 

Maybe it's just because Jared gets laid on a less frequent basis than he used to. He's just wound up or something. And it didn't help seeing Jensen hard this morning when they were outside washing Jared's car. No, no. Jared's not gay. His dick didn't even get hard at the sight of Jensen this morning. And the thought of Jensen wet and cleaning his car would have been enough of a fantasy to get him going.

 

Jared lets out a little sigh just as he hears a quiet moan and suddenly he's all tense once more.

 

He eventually falls asleep after hearing Jensen sneak his date out.

* * *

You know the one thing you should never do? Fall asleep pissed off. Jared's mood is officially set for his entire day already. And it's only nine a-freaking-m. It's going to be a long damn day.

 

He's in the kitchen when the soft thud of feet padding against the hardwood floor announces Jensen's arrival into the kitchen.

 

"Hey, Jare. Could you pass me a bowl? I need my Cinnamon Toast Crunch, man." And then he's just sort of pissed off all over again. That new feeling is back for some reason, too.

 

He doesn't say anything, though, just stands there. His fingers grip the edge of the sink a little harder.

 

"Jare?"

 

Okay. Jared's man enough to admit that he does have a bit of a temper. Nothing too extreme but he has one nonetheless. Which is why he finds himself reaching out for the nearest bowl and slams it down on the table. He's actually surprised it didn't just break into pieces. He turns back to the counter and braces himself. He's pissed. Beyond pissed. And he has no fucking idea why. It's fucking frustrating. He takes a couple deep breaths to compose himself. 

 

"You okay, man?"

 

Jared spins around this time. No he's not okay! Can't Jensen see that? He's never felt so...out of control. He wants to know why Jensen seems like the most fucking perfect person on the face of the Earth nowadays! He hates it and he doesn't even know what it is. And on top of that, all he can picture is some guy with his hands all over Jensen and that new feeling is suddenly rearing its ugly face. Jared runs out of the room and into the living room. There's a million things running through his head right now.

 

Running back into the kitchen, he says the first thing that comes to mind. "Did he use protection?"

 

"What?" 

 

Jared didn't think he stuttered or anything. "When you let that guy fuck you, did he use protection?"

 

"Uh, I didn't have sex?"

 

Jared feels that anger in him explode. Like it was waiting for the one thing that would send it all over the edge. "Bullshit! I heard you last night, Jensen!" 

 

"Well, way to be not creepy or anything."

 

Jared barely registers the small sting on his palms as they connect with the table top. "God, Jensen! Did he use protection or not?" 

 

And really. Jared has no idea where he's going with any of this.

 

"I didn't fuck him, Jare! He went down on me, but that was it!" Jensen is starting to yell now. "Jesus, Jared. What's wrong with you?"

 

Jared opens his mouth to say something but snaps it shut immediately. He has nothing more to say. And he's not even angry anymore. It was like it just 'poof', up and disappeared. 

 

Jared stands there for a few more seconds and then turns toward the living room. He's not angry, he's not anything. He's just...confused. Still. Even more now so.


	6. Part 6: Realizations

It's exactly two nights later when it all comes into light. 

 

Jensen's sitting cross-legged on his bed, feeling his heart swell up as a guy comes on the screen asking people to spend just fifteen cents on those starving kids in Africa, when he hears a noise in the kitchen. Jared? Jensen didn't hear him come back home from work. Against his whole Operation: Ignore Padalecki guidelines, he clambers into the kitchen. Jared's sitting there, in the dark, staring out through the small kitchen window. His head turns at the sight of Jensen and the look on his face makes Jensen feel like shit. Even worse than seeing all those starving souls on T.V. Jared kind of looks like a guy who maybe lost everything in life and has no place else to turn to. He just looks that sad. Jensen stands there for a few minutes in silence, no words coming to him.

 

Jared's voice finally slices through the dark of the kitchen. The sound of it matches the expression in his face. "Please don't ignore me anymore, Jen. I can't stand it when you do that."

 

Okay. That was definitely not a tear that escaped the confines of his eyeball and slid down his cheek. He's such a girl. Jensen sits in the chair next to Jared and rests his chin on Jared's shoulder. It makes Jared smile softly. "I won't."

 

There's a pregnant pause before Jared says anything again. Jensen is still resting his chin against Jared's shoulder.

 

"You're my best friend, you know? And I just don't understand anything."

 

Jensen leans back and looks up at Jared. "What don't you understand?"

 

Jared turns his attention back to looking out the kitchen window. "I can't...I just." He looks back at Jensen. "I'm not gay."

 

Jensen feels like a rug has been pulled out from under his feet. Like the world is spinning sideways. There's no air in the kitchen and he can't breathe. Jared's not gay? Hope soars in Jensen, huge and unbidden, before the implication of Jared's words hit him. And it cuts him. Deep.

 

"I'm sorry, Jen."

 

Jensen looks up at Jared, who has concern etched on his face now. Concern? Jensen doesn't need his pity. Let's all just pick on the stupid gay guy. Jensen pushes away from the table and he absent-mindedly hears Jared calling after him.

 

Jensen suddenly feels like a caged animal. He doesn't know where to go or what to do, how he's going to get out of this mess. He just wants to run away, get far away. He glances briefly at the clock on the cable box. 10:47 P.M. He feels the moment when Jared comes into the living room. Jensen needs to get out. It's not funny anymore. He grabs his keys off the coffee table and hurries to get outside, ignoring Jared's yells once again.

* * *

Jensen just drives around for damn near two hours. He had no real destination in mind outside of getting out of the house. He glances at the clock again. 12:31 A.M. 

 

And then it hits him. 'I'm not gay'. Jared has feelings for him? Well, had. He's obviously not all that gay. Jensen's pretty sure his heart just crumbled and broke away. Okay. A little dramatic, but he's just not exactly sure how he feels. He's hurt. He knows that much. Sixteen stupid years of unrequited love for his best friend and one stupid night in their kitchen puts everything into perspective for Jensen.

 

He's kind of fucking stupid.

 

\- - - - - - - - - -

 

Jared's freaking the fuck out. Jensen took off and it's been about an hour and a half now and he didn't even take his phone and just. Jared's an idiot. He really is. Everything is all different and he has no idea why everything changed, why everything had to change. He's trying to understand it all, he really is, but he just...He doesn't know.

 

He's not gay. He isn't. And he didn't mean for it to come out like that when he said that to Jensen. He's just trying to understand. Nobody seems to get that his whole world was flipped upside down and he's struggling to change with it.

 

Watching Jensen run out of the house and feeling like he's never going to come back puts a couple things into perspective for Jared. 

 

He cares, a really fucking lot, about Jensen. That hasn't changed per se, now it just feels more heavy, fierce. He cares but there's something else there that he isn't seeing. He needs to see what that is. He wants to see it. It's like a missing puzzle piece. It's driving him nuts.

 

He hears a car just then and lights flash through the window as Jensen finally, finally pulls in the driveway. Relief. It washes over Jared instantly. Everything is okay again, but then it isn't, because Jensen is back home and safe and...

 

"Jensen, I love you," are the words that fly out of his mouth when the door opens. 

 

And in that moment, things just click. They click because they're true. Jared loves his best friend. Jared isn't gay but Jesus fuck. The overwhelming feeling of how true it is that he loves Jensen and the overwhelming feeling of finding that dumb missing puzzle piece finally and slotting it in its place hits Jared like a ton of fucking bricks. 

 

Jensen freezes just as he's about to shut the door. He looks up and Jensen is just standing there looking shell-shocked.

 

Jared doesn't know what to do at this point. His feelings and thoughts were all over the place just a few minutes ago and now everything is just...quiet. Everything makes a lot more sense but there's still confusion. The realization that he kind of loves Jensen finally hits him, full force, and he feels even more stupid. Like it should have been the most obvious thing here. But he's not gay. He can't be, can he? Someone just can't go from liking one thing for so long to liking another. Not when it comes to something like that. The thought of someone sticking anything in or near his ass still kind of freaks him out. And really? He's thinking about that now? He just told Jensen he.....

 

"Oh, God."

 

Suddenly Jensen jerks his head up and Jared just knows Jensen too well. 

 

"Not a bad 'Oh, God', Jen," he adds quickly. "I just...I just told you I loved you." His words fade into a whisper as new thoughts hit him.

 

He's not good boyfriend material. He sucks something awful at relationships. He wouldn't be able to keep Jensen happy. That thought leaves him speechless. He's such an idiot. 

 

"Jared?" Jared glances up at Jensen. "Jare. You're crying."

 

He is? He didn't even notice. "Jensen, I love you..."

 

Jensen cuts him off and he doesn't look so much scared as he does resigned. And that unnerves Jared. "But?"

 

He wouldn't be able to take a dick in his ass, no toys or anything of the sorts that Jared's seen in Jensen's room before, either. He'd hurt Jensen, unintentionally, of course, but he would. Jensen would never be happy. He's the most imperfect person to fall in love with...

 

Another new wave of harsh, blunt thoughts flow over him. Who said anything about anyone falling in love with him? Jensen's probably just freaked the hell out because Jared just said that. That's why he ran, to get away from Jared's stupidity. Jensen obviously doesn't feel that way about him. And Jared just put himself on display for the world to see. What a fucking idiot. Jared feels completely fucked up. He's so stupid. He has to be the only straight guy that would fall in love with the gay guy. That usually never happens.

 

He doesn't say anything as he turns away from Jensen. What can he say? Jensen's probably getting ready to laugh in his face any second. 

 

One thing he knows for sure is that he's putting a ban on blow jobs.

 

\- - - - - - - - - -

 

Jensen watches Jared walk away. And he's hurt. And scared. And confused. And slightly angry. Jared says I love you and then leaves? Why do people do that? It's fucking frustrating as all hell. And everything is sort of feeling like 'let's just play a big fucking joke on the big dumb gay guy'. Jensen isn't sure what to do at this point. He wants to chase Jared down but everything in him is just screaming to leave it alone for a bit. What is going to happen? You can't just walk away from something like this. Something has to happen. 

 

Jensen's scared shitless now. What if Jared wants to move out because he won't be able to stand being around Jensen anymore? Or Jensen has to be the one who leaves? What if tonight is the last night he ever has any sort of contact with his best friend? What if his best friend is never going to be his best friend again?

 

Jensen knows he's slightly to blame in all of this. He didn't have to give Jared that blow job, after all. He could have said no. He should have. 

 

Jensen falls into the couch and curls in on himself. He probably looks pathetic, but he's okay with that right now.


	7. Part 7: New Beginnings

Jared goes for his morning run. It's calming, soothing. It helps clear his head. And considering he stayed up all night doing nothing but trying to sort through all that's happened, he'll take the calming morning run. No questions asked. His feet hit the pavement. Hard. Harder. He pushes himself. It's helping...until he glances up and sees that he's back at home. He closes his eyes and takes in gulps of air. He can do this. He can face Jensen.

 

He gets up the steps and has one hand wrapped around the doorknob. He can't do this. Any other time these kind of thing wouldn't bother him. But this is Jensen. Everything's different. No, he can do this. He can't just stand outside forever. Jared shakes his head and flings the door open. No sign of Jensen yet. He heads toward his room and takes off his sweat soaked shirt, tossing it into the hamper. Which, by the way, Jared's been noticing that his pile of dirty clothes always seem to be gaining extra clothes. Jared smiles at the thought of Jensen thinking he's being sneaky. Standing still he can feel his whole body ache. And it's that good kind of ache. The one where you know you put a hundred and ten percent effort in. He walks the few feet to his bed and collapses face first into it. Silk sheets. They're cool and soft and just...heaven. 

 

But of course it wouldn't last. He hears footsteps coming down the hallway to his room and a couple seconds later he can just feel Jensen standing in the doorway. He peers up from his bed and sees Jensen grinning by the door.

 

"Why are you so happy already? It's only eight."

 

Jensen pushes off from the doorway with his shoulder and sits down on the edge of the bed. You know, the one that just had to be close to Jared. "Because of the way you're just laying there. Rough morning?"

 

Jared rolls over and sits up on the other side of the bed. "You could say that."

 

"I don't want to lose you." Jared's head snaps up. That was...unexpected. Talk about just ripping the band-aid right off. "I just. Are we good?"

 

Jared snorts. He actually freaking snorts. This is definitely not the time to be snorting. But this conversation is just so Jensen. "What about last night?"

 

Jensen shrugs his shoulders. "If we need to forget about it, then that's what we do."

 

"You aren't mad?" Jared's not entirely sure he does want to forget about it. He told Jensen that he loves him. That's...something. "I mean, I told you I..."

 

"I'm not mad," Jensen cuts him off. "I know what you said, Jare."

 

Jared's confused again. This was a huge deal last night. Or this morning. Whatever. And now they just brush it under the rug? Does he take it as a blessing in disguise? "I didn't mean what I said before all that." The confused look on Jensen's face prompts Jared to add, "The gay comment."

 

Jensen sighs. "I know."

 

\- - - - - - - - - -

 

The gay comment. The one that put everything into motion. 

 

Jensen sat and thought and thought and thought and then thought some more the whole night. He sorted through it all and came up with one thing. Jared is his best friend. Jared was his best friend before everything else and he refuses to lose that. He don't know what he'd do without Jared. He's no longer pissed or sad or confused. He's not anything, really. Jensen just wants his best friend. Bottom line.

 

"Everything feels like it changed."

 

And okay. That's true. Because everything did change. But it doesn't have to be a bad change. They can work on not letting it go that way. "We were friends before anything else. That's where we start from. New beginnings?"

 

There's a few minutes of silence. It's almost enough to make Jensen start freaking out on the inside but then Jared is standing up and walking over to him and leaning down and placing a small, quick kiss on the corner of his mouth. He can almost just taste Jared. Jensen's shocked. He's speechless. He looks up at Jared who's standing there staring down at his feet.

 

"I'm not sure if I should have done that. I probably shouldn't have. But if we're starting over, I didn't want to say that I never did that, so..."

 

Jensen just shakes his head. "No. It's fine." 

 

"I just...I won't be able to give you anything, you know?"

 

What? "Give me what? Jare, did you not see that way out I just gave you?"

 

Jared pauses, like he's trying to find the right words to say. "I did," he smiles. "But I have to say this. I don't want you thinking it's you or something. It's really not. It's just that the thought of...doing that..."

 

"That?"

 

Jared shoots Jensen a look that says, 'Don't you dare make me say it'. Jensen grins. "It kind of just weirds me out."

 

"What weirds you out?"

 

"Really?"

 

Jensen shrugs his shoulder. He's used to it, you know, being gay and all. He'd really like to know. "Hello, big gay guy here?"

 

"Point taken. Okay. Just like...thinking about something being in there. It'd be weird as hell. And what if things don't fit? That'll hurt like a bitch. And just..." Jared shivers. "I don't know, Jen. It all weirds me out."

 

\- - - - - - - - - -

 

Jared can't believe he's doing this. He can't even believe how they got here. It's crazy. And so good. His hips buck involuntarily off the bed a little and he's drawn back to reality. He glances down and Jensen's grinning up at him and then there's that wet heat enveloping him again and God...it's so good. 'Just let me take care of you. Screw starting over'. Jensen and that stupid mouth. Nugh. That mouth. So it's not entirely stupid. Jared moans and gently nudges Jensen's shoulders. How he manages to have the ability to stop Jensen he doesn't know.

 

"Wh..why'd y..what are you doing?"

 

Jared sits up. "I wanna try something. A couple girls I was with said they thought this was hot." He never claimed to be the most romantic person here.

 

Jensen cocks an eyebrow at Jared before shrugging his shoulder and laying down on the bed.

 

Jared shakes his head. "No, on your stomach." Jared's own stomach is doing all sorts of flips and twists. He's nervous as all hell. And he's not actually going to do anything, but what he will do will probably push his gay limits. But Jared used to do it to some girls so it's not entirely all that bad. It's a start. And God. He just doesn't even know. He's all over the place again. 

 

"Jare?"

 

Jared snaps out of it and looks down at Jensen, who's laying on his stomach staring back at Jared. Jensen's all naked and his ass is all out in the open and it doesn't look the same as when Jared's staring at a girl's ass. It's...sorta hot. But at the same time Jared almost wants to be freaked out. "Sorry. Just..."

 

Jensen grins. "Get on with it."

 

Jared wraps his hand around his dick and is relieved to find that his little man is still hard. That obviously means that what they're doing so far is okay to try out again some time. Jared strokes himself once, twice, three and finally four more times until he's on the brink of coming and, leaning over Jensen, he comes right in that little dip in Jensen's back. Jensen groans and buries his face in Jared's sheets. Jared stays that way for a bit, leaning over Jensen with his dick in his hand, milking out the rest of his orgasm. He finally comes down and sits back on the bed. 

 

The small of Jensen's back is covered in Jared's come and Jared's sort of in awe. It's actually really fucking hot, more hot than he thought it would be, seeing himself all over Jensen like that. Jared beams. It's a start. And a really good one, he thinks. Nothing won't ever be perfect between them two, but if Jared can keep doing that, everything will be just great.

 

Jensen lifts his head up and stares back at Jared. "You're smiling all stupid like."

 

"I just came all over your back," he says with a shit eating grin. His face softens immediately. "Was that okay? Are we okay?" Jensen sits up and Jared watches in fascination as his cooling come slowly starts trickling down Jensen's back. It's heading towards his ass and Jared crinkles his nose in disgust. He hears Jensen laugh and he looks up. "What?"

"You. You're really not gay." Sarcasm in its finest moment.

 

"I tried telling you." Jared glances down at the sheets with a puzzled expression. "You came? I made you do that?"

 

Jensen flushes and his cheeks burn up. "Shut up."

 

Jared smiles and mentally puts a mark on his scoreboard. It seems like a win to him. A thought occurs to him a second later and he stares back down at his sheets. "Gross, Jen. I hope you know you're changing these. I am not sleeping on your jizz pile, dude."

 

Jensen shakes his head and walks over to the doorway, stopping just short of rounding the corner. "So. New beginnings?"

 

Jared nods his head as he recalls what Jensen said earlier. "New beginnings, Jen."


End file.
